Taking care of myself as I will my children.
A new essay, and updates on my life.
The most up-to-date version of this essay will always be found at chrislakin.com/care.
I have found great value in taking care of myself in the same manner as I would like to take care of my future children.
For example, I use this style of communication to encourage myself to act and grow without the use of ‘discipline’ or ‘willpower’, without extrinsic positive or negative reinforcement, without denigrating myself or causing resentment of any type, and without denying my feelings in any way. Instead, I have found a way to encourage myself to grow while simultaneously treating myself with total compassion.
Moreover, I believe that this style is more effective than methods of motivation that rely on, for example, spite directed at yourself or others. When we truly feel comfortable, the desire to improve is natural— no antagonism required, no debt incurred.
I do this by treating myself as if I am my own child, by trying to be the best parent I can be to myself. Specifically, I use the communication philosophy described in How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.
This book covers the following skills:
How to truly acknowledge a child’s emotions
How to constructively express your feelings to a child
How to encourage a child to cooperate
How to encourage a child to grow and become more independent over time
How to effectively praise a child
And, notably, how to do all of the above in ways that don’t cause hurt feelings, don’t necessitate the use of punishment, and don’t feel clumsy and awkward. Overall, the framework feels strongly elegant to me.
While I do fully intend to raise my children in this way, I have found this communication style to be useful not just in interactions with children, but in interactions with other adults, with romantic partners, and with myself. I am working to integrate this more deeply into my general habits.
Read the book, listen to the audiobook.
Note that I don’t believe that the authors intended their book to apply beyond the parent-child relationship, so it does require some effort to remember to translate the book’s philosophy for these other situations.
Updates on me
See what I'm up to now. Mainly:
I just got back from running head operations for a workshop in San Francisco. SF was fun!
I’ll be in Boston in early January.
I may be taking a gap year (starting this semester) to work at a new organization. In which case I will be in Boston for a while.
I’ve also recently created an about page which has notes on my personality. It’s intense and I love it.