disliking others feels different now (Boundaries Series)

Now that I understand boundaries a lot better, I've stopped disliking individuals in the same way I used to.

For example, a while ago I met someone and thought that they were a bit creepy/manipulative/inconsiderate. So I avoided this person for a long time after that. However, we collided again recently when they said Hi to me at a gathering. And while when I first met person, I hadn't understood my boundaries or how to communicate them, now I did! And I was actually able to interact with this person quite enjoyably! Frankly I don’t think it was because they changed— they still asked me a few invasive and uncomfortable questions, for example. But now I knew that I could just decline conversational directions I didn't want. And that this was fine. And that this was good.

It's clear to me now that I disliked this person not merely because I thought they were creepy, but because I thought they were creepy AND I wasn't willing to defend myself from their boundary crossings. But now that I am willing to do that, I actually kinda like this person! I'm not going to try to be too close with them of course, but I don't need to be totally avoiding them, either.

P.S.: I am writing a “how I actually learned boundaries” post, coming soon! (Because I’m not happy with my previous boundaries post.)

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This post was inspired by The Courage to be Disliked, Chapter 22. Excerpt:

PHILOSOPHER: Suppose, for instance, that there is a certain Mr. A whom you don’t like because he has some flaws that are hard to forgive.
YOUTH: Ha-ha, if we’re looking for people I don’t like, there’s no shortage of candidates.
PHILOSOPHER: But it isn’t that you dislike Mr. A because you can’t forgive his flaws. You had the goal of taking a dislike to Mr. A beforehand and then started looking for the flaws to satisfy that goal.
YOUTH: That’s ridiculous! Why would I do that?
PHILOSOPHER: So that you could avoid an interpersonal relationship with Mr. A.
YOUTH: No way, that’s completely out of the question. It’s obvious that the order of things is backward. He did something I didn’t like, that’s why. If he hadn’t, I’d have no reason for taking a dislike to him.
PHILOSOPHER: No, you are wrong. It’s easy to see if you think back on the example of separating from a person whom one has been in a love relationship with. In relationships between lovers or married couples, there are times when, after a certain point, one becomes exasperated with everything one’s partner says or does. For instance, she doesn’t care for the way he eats; his slovenly appearance at home fills her with revulsion, and even his snoring sets her off. Even though until a few months ago, none of it had ever bothered her before.
YOUTH: Yes, that sounds familiar.
PHILOSOPHER: The person feels this way because at some stage she has resolved to herself, I want to end this relationship, and she has been looking around for the material with which to end it. The other person hasn’t changed at all. It is her own goal that has changed. Look, people are extremely selfish creatures who are capable of finding any number of flaws and shortcomings in others whenever the mood strikes them. A man of perfect character could come along, and one would have no difficulty in digging up some reason to dislike him. That’s exactly why the world can become a perilous place at any time, and it’s always possible to see everyone as one’s enemies.
YOUTH: So I am making up flaws in other people just so that I can avoid my life tasks, and further more, so I can avoid interpersonal relationships? And I am running away by thinking of other people as my enemies?
PHILOSOPHER: That’s right. Adler called the state of coming up with all manner of pretexts in order to avoid the life tasks the “life-lie.”
YOUTH: Okay . . .
…

This book is in large part about boundaries, actually (or, “life tasks” in its parlance).