what I've learned about boundaries (Boundaries Series)

Boundaries Pt. 1

Two updates (2023 Feb):

1. This post is kinda bad! I’m writing much-improved posts at boundaries to be published soon.

2. When I say “boundaries”, what I precisely mean is “separation of tasks” and not any other definition of boundaries. I might publish a disambiguation post about this.

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I had trouble with expecting and respecting others’ boundaries, but I was recently able to make a lot of progress on this and I want to share what I’ve learned in this post.

It feels bad to have your boundaries crossed. It feels presumptuous and inappropriate and controlling. So, how do we expect and respect others’ boundaries?

Where are boundaries, generally?

The foundation of boundaries: One person can't make another think/believe/do anything if the other is unwilling. And unwillingness is the default!

Here are some specific boundaries that I have found helpful:

• It is impossible for us to make someone like us.

  • In fact, trying to do so often has the reverse effect.

• We can't control how other people feel. It's not our responsibility to take care of other people's emotions; that's their job.

• We can't make other people do anything. (And sometimes we actually can, but this usually ends poorly.)

• We can't make anything happen. We can only control our own actions and reactions.

• Other people's problems are their own. So it's not our place to ask about or try to solve other people's problems without their permission. Instead, let them bring up their own problems when they're ready to talk about them.

  • E.g. Asking, "Why are you dating your partner?" — no no no, that's theirs to bring up

  • Meanwhile, if you were to say, "You seem preoccupied right now, is there anything you want to talk about?", this would not cross any boundaries.

• We can't "help" anyone solve their problems unless they want our help. Even just suggesting solutions to other people's problems can be intrusive if they haven't asked for our input. So ask for permission first, e.g.: "Is this something you want to brainstorm about right now?", "Are you asking for my advice on this?"

• It's crossing a boundary to speculate about what other people may be thinking or feeling. All we can do is offer to listen and make space for them to share if they want to.

• Boundaries for skillfully parenting young children and for considerately taking care of people who are not self-sufficient: It is generally harmful to do things for them that they can do for themselves.

Drama is caused when boundaries are crossed.

Trespassing on another person’s boundaries doesn’t just hurt the other person, but it also hurts us! Here are a few non-obvious ways:

• it’s easy to get caught up in problems that we can’t solve and couldn’t reasonably be responsible for. If this happens, we will suffer

• if we speculate hard about what someone else may be thinking, it is easy to forget our uncertainty and preemptively assume things about the other person which are not true

  • this is particularly relevant when it comes to speculating on whether someone is has been deceitful. Relationships can be burned by assuming the other has been malicious before the situation was clear.

• if we cross their boundaries now, they might expect us to cross boundaries again in the future. (This is how drama triangles originate.)

Further benefits of properly understanding boundaries

I’ve had an unusual amount of social anxiety this year, and understanding what I’ve tried to outline in this post seems to have reduced this a lot. — I think this is in large part because I no longer believe that I can make others like me.

Additionally, hanging out with people— particularly people who I’m not yet very close with— has been so much better:

• I think, before, I spent a lot of energy on wondering whether the other person still wants to be hanging out with me. But now I recognize that’s their problem, not mine!

  ¹

• In the past I've trespassed on others’ boundaries pretty often, and I think this precluded many nascent friendships from developing further.

  ²

My next post will focus on communicating what I've learned about communicating boundaries to others. Subscribe to get notified:

If you liked this post, you may also like: accepting feelings without requiring an explanation

thoughts?

Let me know in the comments if you disagree with any of the points I’ve made here, or if you have anything to add on the topic.

A common piece of feedback that I’ve gotten on this post so far is that parts seem too extreme or excessively confident. I think everything is actually pretty well-qualified precisely as it has been written, though. But if I decide that I’m wrong on anything significant I’ll make a follow-up post in this series.

things I might change my mind on

• 2022-12-22: “It's crossing a boundary to speculate about what other people may be thinking or feeling.” — Maybe only if you’re not communicating this to them. A little bit of speculation that’s done while in communication with the other person can be helpful sometimes.

• 2023-01: ugh the post I need to write is “how I actually learned boundaries”, complete with real examples from my life. coming soon.

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Thanks to Aria Lakhmani, Leah McCuan, ChatGPT, and more friends for contributing to this post.

1. Besides, we can’t control whether a friendship occurs. — "Friends are recognized", not made. (Quote source unknown.)

2. I suspect that this is actually why I chose to be depressed for about 6 months of 2022— but I’ll leave this for a future post on the topic of teleology.